ONLINE POLICY

I was soul crushingly alone and had nobody to talk to, nobody I could confide in (that’s a good word, I don’t think I use that word before), not even the squatters in my attic wanted to confide in me (I’m gonna keep using that word), the last people I could confide in (okay I’m done, new word) couldn’t even give me an exuberant look (I know, you know). Let’s be honest, I was never gonna get better, you and I both know quite well that I’m a lost cause, I will never change and you know that. Unless the change is given to me from a cash register or a form of wallet or something like that, then I won’t change ever. I needed something to change me and make me the person I used to want to be, for others. Like all my dreams and aspirations and hopes, that change never happened. My goals were unwatered like the sad plants of my life and I was thirsty, I began contemplating taking myself down in my basement stepping up on my stool and kicking the rusty fuse box back on, but you and I both know I didn’t deserve nice electricity or my leaky gas stove. The fire department had other plans, however. You see, I was going to prepare a hotdog salad on my leaky gas stove like any other day, but this time I didn’t realize that I left my dry newspaper next to my static electricity farm which I rely on to power the lamp in my living room (barely living). I’m sure you can guess the rest. After the fire department knocked on my door and I refused entry, they bulldozed my home. I lost everything but my computer, I hadn’t visited my computer in a long time, my internet garden was withered, I felt remorse for leaving the only place that cared about me. I went online into a public forum to seek others that had their house bulldozed by small time crooks with wrecking monster truck wrecking dozers, and quickly found a community. It made me realize that the internet, a place I relegated to being less than exuberant, was in fact.. a place I could confide in most. I realized the internet was the only place where everyone gets along and does right by each other by being purely honest and purely kind and empathetic. The real world has bad people in it, like fire fighters and friends. I’m staying where it’s cool, and safe, where ever and whereever I am. I’ve since spent more time and money on internet buffets than I ever had on real ones, and I got this shirt for eating the most crab legs out of everyone in recorded history and in my guild. – Owner