DO NOT REDEEM

I awoke to a blaring alarm on my computer. My machine, compromised. My life, ruined. I knew this would happen one day, I’ve carelessly clicked on too many links and that finally caught up to me, but luckily the warning on my screen telling me that my computer was infected gave me just what I needed to save my fabled computer – I dialed the number flashing 100 times a second on the screen on my screen, and waited with baited breath on it. I heard a thick Indian accent greet me over my landline, suddenly I felt a great sense of relief that my computer was going to be safe. The man on the phone, Steve “Microsoft” Appleseed, sounded eager to help, he asked me what type of websites I’d been frequenting and I told him, the bad ones. He understood what I meant, he winked at me through the phone, called me a dirty dog (jokingly), and I scoffled at his remark, reminding me of a pleasant memory when I was a youngin’ skipping around in the meadow. Steve told me to stop reminiscing and asked me to go to my store and purchase twelve $500 gift cards for Red Lobster and Apple Bees and call back once I’ve obtained them, damn I was hungry, but not $6000 hungry. I happily obliged, anything for my computer to be well again. As I was at the checkout the cashier says to me “Heh, real hungry huh?” I said “Yeah, hungry but not $6000 hungry. I’m actually buying these as payment for a man over the phone, he’s gonna fix my computer, he promised.” The cashier stopped at the last gift card transaction and told me that I was dealing with a scammer and that this money wasn’t going to fix my computer. I was shocked and appalled they’d make such a vile accusation against such a sweethearted kind and loving soul, I told them to shut their mouth and finish scanning my final lobster card. They did as they were told and appeared remorseful, which I was thankful for (I’ve never had much to be thankful for during thanksgiving). After 9 days, I called Steve back and his number was gone, I couldn’t contact Steve or any of his friends. Worried and sick, I fumbled to my computer and turned it on, immediately I was taken back 9 days, when I once again heard that familiar ear piercing sound of sirens coming from my speakers, but this time instead of worry, I felt calm, calm because a new phone number was flashing 1200 times per second on my screen. I called the number and tears rolled down my face, it was Steve, I told him how much I missed him and how scared I was without his help. He told me to give him the gift cards and the nightmare would be over. I did as he pleased, and started scratching off the codes and reading them aloud, like a gentle bedtime story. After all was said and done, my computer was safe once more. Steve told me to never uninstall the program he installed on my computer or it would no longer be safe to use. Clearly he knew what he was talking about, I didn’t understand why he needed me to have Trojan-Blocker-Ultimate-Miner.dll in my system folder, but I wasn’t about to argue with the guy that just saved my computer. A few days later I noticed my mouse cursor moving on it’s own, I thought that a ghost was haunting my computer, but the way the cursor was moving I knew it was Steve – he came to pay me a visit, in fear I would mess up his process I just starred blankly at my screen watching as the cursor opened up a website, a website with this amazing hoodie, I remembered suddenly, I had told Steve when we first spoke that it was cold in my house and the landlord turned off all the heat to power his new hot tub. He was getting me this as a gift. I watched my credit card information filled out in the transaction page, the last thing Steve said to me was in a Notepad file he opened, he asked for my shipping info and I typed it in for him. I’m now wearing this hoodie (the first of many bountiful gifts I’m sure), and I couldn’t be more happy. – Owner